I have lived most my live on the premise that someone, something, or some physical place will make me feel safe and connected.  That if I “just had that” then I would feel better, or feel something other than this deep, aching loneliness that pervades my body.

I present well on the outside–I own my own house that produces income, I drive a nice car, and I have a job that requires a lot of me and gives me a sense of responsibility. On the inside, I feel like this little girl that was taken advantage of as a child. I silently scan my surroundings on how to get all my needs filled to feel safe.  My loneliness hones my awareness on negative things. I would think to myself–If I could just feel connected either via “love in a relationship” or being needed at work then I would be okay. I even searched to find a group of friends that I thought would validate that I am okay. If I had Friday and Saturday night plans that meant I was okay, right?  If people remember to text me that means I haven’t been forgotten about, right? If I’m needy enough and people come through that means they love me, right? If somebody is in a relationship with me that means I’m okay, right?   I’m lovable.

I was under the assumption that in order to be filled up in life–I needed to find things to put in this internal hole. I understood that the external world would make me feel loved and safe. But if your like me and you can’t feel love deeply–how do you know how to receive it? How will you know that you’ve been “rescued” enough to fill your void–if you haven’t even opened your eyes to look at the void?

My heart was so afraid to open to the love around me because I thought that I would be engulfed by everyone’s feelings/needs. I believed that loving someone meant that you lost yourself. It meant that you were at the mercy of everyone and their needs. Why would I put myself in that position? Why would I feel trapped at that deep level?

Events in my life lead me to really take a look at myself. I realized I was already trapped by NOT loving deeply. I spent my whole life feeling that I had to cater to my parent’s needs. Whether it meant that I had to be there for my father’s sexual fantasies or at times for my mother’s adult feelings and then subsequent grown up conversations, I began to believe that it was not safe for me to give to those around me. I was already being pilfered emotionally, sexually, and mentally before I could even know that I didn’t want to give those parts of me away. I learned early that love equated with being hurt by being obligated to give (or, rather having these things stripped from you), so I  stopped giving. If my parents “loved” me and they subsequently took so much from me–then loving must mean that I take from others.

I spent the rest of my early teenage years to present with the notion that being loved meant receiving. I even played the victim role for awhile, because it felt good to receive attention. This too never filled my hole. However, because I never learned what real, genuine love really felt like– I never fully received either. My perception of love had been warped and because my new “image” of it did not fit with the kind of love I was receiving– I never fully received it.

When you live your life not able to give and receive love–you feel this deep sense of loneliness. You look around and see everyone and think that they are feeling connected and loved. I was jealous that I thought everyone else “had it good” and I was feeling disconnected. This is the deep seated loneliness that friends, lovers, and even your family cannot touch or relieve. The mistake I made was that I wanted all these people to fix my feeling of complete isolation. If they could just provide me this “experience” then I wouldn’t feel this way. Or, “if I hadn’t been subject to such horrific scenarios in my childhood–then I wouldn’t feel this way”.

My journey has been to come to the realization that nothing stops me from changing the way I feel from this moment onwards. I still have the loneliness, especially since now I am alone. But I look at this as a blessing in disguise. Being alone has caused me to really go into my pain and make a choice. Do I dive into my fears and open my heart, or do I close my heart. At times, I do choose to close my heart. It is sometimes just too painful to see myself and my actions. I also have chosen to take a look at my thought patterns that have lead me to feel so isolated.

I have spent a lot of time reading and meditating with various healers, authors, and guides, and one person in particular has been a great guiding force. Gangaji speaks the truth clearly and authentically. Here quote below really spoke to me:

“We spend so much time and energy trying to get love, while being protected from giving love. As if the getting of the love will take care of this ache to love.” -Gangaji

I never realized that my loneliness is just my ache to love being repressed. Feeling love for myself, means that I can give love to others. When I can give love to others–from my heart– then my loneliness will subside.

Do not mistake my giving of love to just being limited to a romantic partner–this means all people, places, and events.  Say hello to the tree in your driveway that you pass every day.  Thank the rain for watering the grass. Smile because you are in the present moment giving love, and realizing it.

I ache to love the world around me from my heart, and when I can do this consistently then I have begun to be in line with my higher calling. I will no longer be searching to be filled by others because I will know (and feel) intuitively that I am enough.